Saturday, March 7, 2015

When I was a child

I remember that I was quite spirited when I was very, very young (perhaps in the very start of my kinder garden years). I remember how excited I went home from my "class" and recited the stories I heard about Mozart and Beethoven.  In Chinese what I said sounded like "no gained head- mei der tau" and " one hundred plus points - bei dau fang".  My enthusiasm  was met with laughs and challenges.  I was quite crushed.......And I remember I was very sad when I was a child and adolescent .  I did not develop a "self" really.  When I realized/felt that I had no one to turn to was the starting point of my confusion and dismay. I "went along" as a daughter and sister of my family.  But the emptiness, aches and anger was eating me alive inside.  Some of the memories should not, but still occasionally haunt me.  Now I say to myself, too bad that I was such a sensitive a kid.  All those things could not have hurt me if I were not so sensitive....Unfortunately I was a lonely and sensitive kid.

I now take comfort that a couple of pictures showed that I was loved.  There was no picture of me held by my Mom, never.  Perhaps she was weak and tired.  Certainly there was no picture of her holding any of my siblings either.  I remember how I yearned for tenderness from her when I was a child.
Er Jie has always been kind and sweet:
 My Dad used to call me "youngest flower bud - Yau Wha Zei"